Human Bacon

"The Box" was a great film. I would have enjoyed it better if I didn't have two giggling cunts behind me.

My wife and I used to go to the movies a lot. Sometimes twice in a weekend. One day we realized that we were paying good money to watch crap. To be honest, we usually like a really good bad movie, but Hollywood doesn't even churn those out anymore. They churn out movie after movie based on whatever formula has tested well in some focus group or another. As a result, we've decided to be very selective of our trips to the movies. In terms of cost, even a matinee costs 8 bucks. Throw in popcorn and drinks and your talking serious money. I'm at the age where I remember a trip to the theater with tons of food being a few bucks. Nowadays you can throw away 50 bucks if you can't overcome the urge for Reese Pieces.

But this post isn't about the value of movie tickets or concessions. It's about giggling cunts. So let me get to the point . My wife and I decided to go see "The Box". It was really enjoyable, but would have been more enjoyable if we hadn't had the bad fortune of having to share the theater with a mother whose two daughters wanted to know nothing about the movie so they talked and laughed and screamed and hooted and hollered the whole time. With only 7 people in the theater, their behavior was very noticeable.

I gave them a polite shush and they stopped for about 10 seconds.

After a while, I asked them directly to keep it down. Their mother said nothing and they continued to carry on.

After some time passes, I lean into my wife and ask her if she can believe this at which point one of the little prepubescent cunts gets up and shushes me to the delight of her cunt cohort. She wasn't shushing me to be quiet, she was shushing me to be vengeful.

So whose fault is this? The girls? The mother? Both.

The mother, let's call her Fatty McFat BitchyCunt for the purposes of this post, asked them to move several rows behind her at some point because they were bothering her. Apparently her little darlings were just to much for her so the rest of us had to deal with them. If I behaved like this as a child I wouldn't have been able to sit for a week. My mother would have slapped me into next week. Somehow today's parents not only tolerate this behavior, but endorse it.

Because their little precious angels are the future.

To them the problem is all the other kids and parents. If you're reading this and you have kids, you're probably thinking, "yeah those parents are dicks", but, no, you only have that half right because you're a dick too.

You're just as guilty with your little giggling cunts. You just skulk away from reality by convincing yourself that your little slice of heaven is better than all the other little demons. But, every breader that I know has become completely consumed with their little cult objects; so much so that the expectation is that I should worship at the alter of their giggling cunts as well.

Your kids are fucking stupid and have no social skills and it's your fault that they are going to grow up to be even greater assholes than you.

Yes, you.

Wipe that "oh he's talking about everyone else" smirk off your face.

I'm talking directly to you and about you.

Your children are all cunts and so are you.

I love Orly Taitz

Seriously. It's true. I can't get enough of her. It's rare that this kind of crazy comes along. I'm on cloud 9 now that a new affidavit has come out that includes the following juicy stuff:

But really and truly, Orly's better in bed than 99% of the much younger girls I've ever met: you name it, hotter, hornier, wetter, tighter, more of a nympho than I've ever met in fact. Her only limitation is on kinkiness: she won't even bite or let me bite her. Maybe that's part of her craziness---she is very straightlaced, conservative, "normal" and forthat reason never "got enough" when she was younger and always had to channel it to other things, and now she's finally cheating on her husband and totally wants to let loose but doesn't quite know how.

Fabulous.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/12/birther-lawsuit-witnesses_n_355550.html

On praying for the sick

A born-again-christian friend of mine recently asked a group of friends on Facebook to pray for an ill friend of his who had a stroke and was placed on a ventilator. Several days later, He announced that his friend was taken off of the ventilator after having received medical care and that the prayers were working. He then asked that everyone continue to pray for his friend’s recovery. The conclusion: people live their lives only by the grace of god.

Since I’m not the praying kind, I was perplexed. So I pose a few questions.

1. How many people prayed to god for the friend's recovery?
2. Which god did they pray to?
3. What is the ratio of prayer providers to medical staff?
4. What proportion of the friend’s recovery should be allotted to god and how much to the doctors who treated him?
5. Should we then pray based on that proportion?
6. If we are grateful to god for the recovery, should we be mad at god for having had given the friend the stroke in the first place?

I’m just curious.

Merry Christmas to Everyone: a poem

I recently received yet another war-on-Christmas email with its predictable war-on-Christians mythology and I fought it, but could not resist the temptation to dissect it noun by noun. I've interspersed the original (centered and bold) with my own random musings.

Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.

Taking a stand for/against what, exactly? The Conservative/Christian right invented a “war on Christmas” that rational people are sort of just befuddled by because I don’t know anyone who has noticed a lack of Christmas. And if Christians aren’t praying, well that’s their fault, isn’t it? Besides, I dare you to go a single day without reading or hearing “thank God”, “God bless you”, “God bless America”, “God bless our troops”, or some such God blessing being bantered around as commonly as “have a nice day”.

 See the PC Police had taken away,
 The reason for Christmas - no one could say.

Ignoring the fact that this sentence doesn’t actually make grammatical or intellectual sense, the last I checked, religious expression and freedom of worship was still protected by the Constitution. Christians – or non-Christians for that matter – are free to enjoy and celebrate Christmas in the manner in which they choose. Of course, this particular sentence is code for “We want the 10 Commandments/crèche/Jesus on the cross displayed on any public property that we choose, in any way that we choose, without consideration for separation of church and state because our religion is right and we get to make the rules.”

 The children were told by their schools not to sing,
 About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
 December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.

Wrong. I went to public school for most of my life and every year we sang and played Christmas carols in the chorus and band, and threw in the only dreidel song anybody ever knew as a nod to the Jews and their sub-par holiday.

To the best of my knowledge and experience, that “holiday” period is still referred to in schools from kindergarten through college as “Christmas break”.

To the best of my knowledge and experience, there is nobody, including the most devout atheist, who has referred to December 25th as “just a holiday” any more than they have referred to Hanukkah as “just a holiday”, July 4th as “just a holiday”, or any other holiday as “just” anything other than what it represents.

Non-Islamists refer to Ramadan as Ramadan. Non-Jews refer to Yom Kippur as Yom Kippur. You don’t need to be indoctrinated into the belief to call it what it is.

The “Christian police” would be all over any human being faster than the “PC Police” could say Bible-thumpers if any word leaked of any possibility that someone had said Christmas is not Christmas, but “just” a holiday.

Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!

Whose fault is it if Christians are knocking each other to the ground to get their CDs for half a buck less? The implication here is that the horrible secular society we live in has degraded Christmas to a point of sheer evil consumerism. I say to you as a Christian: don’t take part in it. If you are not part of the Black-Friday-starting-on-Thursday sale stampede, then it is simply not your problem. Stay home and pray and celebrate Christmas the right way.

Retailer promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.

Allow me first to bore you with a fact. Ramdan generally starts and ends in August/September, so why retailers would be pushing Ramadan in December is beyond me, but ok. Last I noticed, Christmas started sometime in July, and by August you can stock up on your Hallmark Keepsake Ornaments.

Fact: Type the word “Kwanzaa” into Google search and you get back 3,230,000 results.

Fact: Type the word “Christmas” into Google search and you get back 286,000,000 results.

Fact: Type the word “Kwanzaa” into Amazon search and there are 3,996 books listed.

Fact: Type the word “Christmas” into Amazon search and there are 450,986 books listed.

Fact: Neither Jane Fonda nor Al Franken have ever written a book about Ramadan or Kwanza or are likely to have so much as used either word in any book they’ve written.

I can’t cite specific retail numbers but I’d bet my Bible that there are a whole lot more dollars spent for Christmas than for either aforementioned heathen holiday.

The real takeaway here is that retailers are promoting Christian-hating liberals for secular financial gain while kowtowing to liberal PC holidays.

As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.

Holy schnikes Batman, upside down trees are SO 2005. Plus the premise is to leave more floor space to pile those presents you got by trampling your fellow Christians to the ground, not to imply some upside-down Satan-worshipping crucifixion.

As for Lowes, are we talking about the email spam (so 2007) that outed Lowes for selling “Family Trees” along with “Christmas Trees”? Which, by the way, Lowes fell over itself to apologize for. Because I know we’re not talking about the fact that they sell “Christmas” ornaments, “Christmas” décor, or play “Christmas” music in the stores all season.

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.

All I can say here is: seriously? You’re kidding, right? You’ve been shopping between November and December, right? Because I don’t know about you, but I can’t go anywhere from A&P, to Barnes and Noble, to the Exxon station down the block where Christmas music isn’t played exhaustively, repetitiously, suicidally, without interruption from the day after Thanksgiving right through New Year’s. That’s right, Christmas music. Not Ramadan music. Not holiday music. Not even that one dreidel song. Christmas, shepherds-in-the-fields-on-holy-nights music.

Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.

Another case of “your problem”. If diversity intimidates you, stay home and pray. The Constitution that protects your right to do so also protects the rights of others who you may not agree with to do so. And like it or not, America is a diverse nation of immigrants, and has been ever since we killed all the native Indians. It says so right on the Statue of Liberty. And if you don’t like it… leave.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.

Most politicians can’t wait to bend over and prove how Jesus-y they really are, how important God is, how important religion is. And by “religion” I mean “Christian religion”. You may be aware that the “Reverend” Al Sharpton is Christian, but this is a good excuse to throw a lot of liberal-sounding people into one sentence with no purpose other than to incite Christians to say “yeah!” and feel righteous doing it.

And a note from the non-Jesus-y among us: Jesus does not need to be in “public matters” any more than Joseph Smith or Mohammed (peace be upon him) or Buddha does. I’m guessing this statement refers to the fact that Christians are all pissy about not being able to hang crosses and the 10 Commandments on every inch of public property but that’s the way this country works. Not to be as repetitive as a Christian, but…. take it, or leave it.

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.

Absurd beyond belief. Your Faith is… o repetition of repetition!... your problem. Nobody can “take away your faith”. Just ask millions of Jews who held onto theirs as they were slaughtered and gassed and hunted down during the Holocaust. If you’re having a crisis of faith, don’t blame politicians/the media/atheists/anyone but yourself.

You are not forbidden from speaking of your faith (see: First Amendment to the Constitution).

You are not forbidden from practicing your faith (see: First Amendment to the Constitution).

And who, pray tell, “stopped” the reason for the season? It’s not the Dunkin Donuts that puts up a Christmas tree and a glittering “Merry Christmas” sign every year. It’s not the food market that hangs Christmas lights in red and green with a large “Merry Christmas” sign over the artichokes. It’s not the grocery store that slaps plastic stick-on wreaths and “Merry Christmas” decals onto the glass storefronts. Is it your Christian contention that there are no wise men and manger? Because it looks an awful lot like Christmas to me, and if you’ve lost the reason, then all I can say is: your fault.

So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me..
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday!

People can and will say what they please (see: First Amendment to the Constitution). I’ve been wished Merry Christmas (I’m not Christian). I’ve been wished Happy Hanukkah (I’m not Jewish). I’ve been wished Happy Mother’s Day (I have no children). At no point did I whip out my Jane Fonda book and shout the well-wisher down. People are still free to wish me a happy whatever irrelevant holiday they choose and I am still free to say thank you and think they’re morons.

I’m not sure if this piece of poetry was meant as an admonishment to Christians for being so un-Christian, or as a reprimand to society for being so anti-Christian. The author seems to have no clear purpose here except to drag out tired clichés, straw man arguments and irrational hysteria.

Normally I would not bother to read through to the end, let along let these diatribes annoy me to the point of issuing another diatribe. But alas, I have succumbed. Bless me father, for I have sinned against my own intelligence.

On leaving things in god’s hands

I had a phone conversation yesterday with my mom. I told her that business was slow and that my business partner and I were reducing our costs and implementing strategies to stimulate new business in this new economy. After giving her some information in varying levels of detail, she responded that I shouldn’t worry and that I should pray and leave it all in god’s hands. In her mind there is no disconnect in asking an atheist to pray to god.

Some time ago, the boiler in her house broke down. It was repaired, but showed signs of age and she was advised to replace it. Her reaction was to pray and leave it in god’s hands. Several years later, the boiler still malfunctions and desperately needs replacement. I recommended that rather than praying to god, perhaps she should pray to the local boiler retailer instead. I theorized that with a carefully said prayer (and some cash), the boiler company could probably have the whole boiler thing resolved much more efficiently than god. After all, I said, Jesus was a carpenter, not a boiler manufacturer.

Needless to say, she’s still waiting on Jesus to get that whole boiler thing sorted out and winter is upon us.

I have a sneaking suspicion that this winter Jesus won’t be making any appearances to repair her boiler, but the local boiler repair man will.

Veteran’s Day Dilemma

Sitting here trying to figure out how best to honor, praise and thank the brave patriots who sacrificed their lives, futures, families and/or well-being for this great nation.

 

Shall I proclaim it on FaceBook, so that everyone knows how poetically thankful I am that so many have died for freedom, justice and the Second Amendment?

Shall I admonish my Twitter followers to remember the heroes who have answered the call?

Shall I eat a red-white-and-blue donut, sugar cookie or bag of M&Ms?

Shall I put a yellow ribbon sticker on the bumper of my car, or attach a flag to the radio antenna?

 

So many options, so few hours in this one single day.

Random thoughts on “executive compensation”

1. Can the top execs of banks and financial institutions really not do their job on a mere, say, 5 million a year? Is that simply too paltry? Will execs leave their jobs en masse if they are limited to 5 million a year? And where will they go? Will they all become car wash mangers on principal?
2. Executive compensation is not what caused the financial crisis. Executive stupidity is what did. Curbing pay will unfortunately not have the effect of curbing stupidity. As such, there needs to be regulation in place that does more than just limit compensation, but at least pretends to attempt to limit the avenues of stupidity for execs to go down.
3. Why are we calling it “compensation”? I get a salary. The car wash manager gets a salary. Apparently when you’re in a certain bracket even the vocabulary gets elevated.
4. Why are we worried about the execs leaving? Pay them a “salary” and let them go if they can’t function on 5 million a year. Isn’t their “talent” what got us into trouble in the first place? Their “talent” that pushed over 100 banks into failure? Their “talent” that is now repenting at leisure with our tax dollars?
5. Heart surgeons are talented. First grade teachers are talented. Pilots who have your life in their hands at 30,000 feet above the Atlantic Ocean and can land safely on a strip of asphalt are talented. If these people earned 5 million a year in “compensation” it would be ok with me. People who create imaginary financial investments with formulas that cannot be explained or understood by anyone outside of their “talented” circle are not contributing something to society worthy of their current level of compensation. I would like every school teacher who can’t afford pencils for their classrooms, every doctor who is taking organs out of people’s bodies on two hours of sleep per night, every pilot who is on his 12^th hour in the air but can’t afford health insurance, to simply leave their jobs. An exodus of talent. And good luck to the bankers and their compensation. The talent is moving to Barcelona.

This is how I feel.

On imploding, exploding and liberal zealotry

First of all, I am not a zealot. I just have a major brain-hemorrhaging issue with stupidity. So to that end, I suppose I am zealously trying to stamp out stupidity.

Secondly, I prefer not to be called "liberal", as that implies categorical thinking, not to mention the plethora of slanders it conjures. I prefer to consider myself "progressive", which implies progress, a continuous movement toward change and betterment, as opposed to say "conservatism" which likes everything the same as it was ever thought to be, or perhaps the same as it "used to be" in someone's sepia-toned fuzzy-edged imagination, which implies regression.

Lastly, I may, indeed, implode or explode depending on the stupidity of the day. And there's a lot of stupidity.

Which I will gladly rant about in many, many words so that my husband can live another day.

My wife is going to implode. Or explode.

My wife is going to implode. Or maybe explode. I'm not sure which.

She's been paying close attention to political and cultural topics and she is not happy.

This means that the chances of being brutally murdered by a rampaging liberal zealot increase exponentially every day for me.

To that end, I have started this blog.

So that she can have a place to vent her frustrations.

And not kill me.